I go to the deep south a lot for work. As a strange stranger, in a stranger land, they have a way of stating statements at you down there.

• “Stop. Or, I’ll knock you in the head and tell God you died.”

• “Bruce ain’t home. He’s in a ass stompin’ contest.”

• “Don’t worry. We can eat dinner at the strip club. They got a salad bar.”

• “Hey! You look like something my dog keeps under the porch!”

• “BUD LIGHT?!? Shit, we give that to the donkey.”

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Hold on .  .  .  I  .  .  .  am reading  .  .  .  the Weatherman’s mind  .  .  .

He thinks .  .  .   Jeremy Piven is the greatness.

He thinks .  .  .  the black people love him.

He thinks .  .  .  he heard his sister’s daughter say that he is cool .  .  .  she did not.

He thinks .  .  .  if they saw his paycheck, all them friggin skanks at the TGI Fridays would want to bang him.

He thinks  .  .  .  he’s doing it like you’d wish you could.


Weatherman has Fun

“When life gives you category four hurricanes, make hurricanade. But seriously, everyone needs to evacuate right now.”

Police: Utica teen punches 63 year old bicyclist in face, steals bicycle {LINK}

The other day my girlfriend pointed out a grey hair growing on my head. So I screamed at her like a pterodactyl then said, “That’s why I’ll give you mouth aids and not give a shit, you closet Femdomist”.  She had no clue the grey hair would make me shout and cuss and later completely make up a story to her sister about how she doesn’t think her sis is pretty enough to be on okcupid. She couldn’t understand why I huffed off - or the cryptic meaning to my parting words - “Well, just go steal my gawd damn bicycle too.”

Utica Parolee pours boiling water onto person, twice {LINK}

What has the most WOW in this headline? Is it the whole - “I’m so pissed and crazy!!! Raaaghhh! I’m gonna throw boiling water on you!!!”  - or is it the whole - “I’m so pissed and crazy!!! Raaaghhh! I’m gonna throw boiling water on you!!! SPLASH!!! BURN!!! HISS!!! I’m still pissed and crazy!!!! Raaaghhh!!! I gonna boil another gawd damn pot a water, so … gimme about eight friggin minutes will’ya …  I’m gonna throw this on you, soon, too.”

I hate when people feel ugly. Especially the plus sized. If you know a fatty, brighten up their day! Email them this song!

Utica man pulls another man out of car, chokes him {LINK}

In my home town there is a rash of locals going just plum berzerk and choking the shit out of one another.  The crime: CRIMINAL OBSTRUCTION OF BREATHING. I’m kinda intrigued by all these chokers. Its a berserker crime of passion.

Utica teen arrested after allegedly menacing with fork, knife {LINK}

My home town is the best home town.

I am from Utica. I am confident enough to admit it. I have a google alert for Utica Crime Stories. I receive about 26 alerts a day. Our local newspaper is about as intrepid as a Dodge Intrepid. Here is one of their recent articles …

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