The other day my girlfriend pointed out a grey hair growing on my head. So I screamed at her like a pterodactyl then said, “That’s why I’ll give you mouth aids and not give a shit, you closet Femdomist”.  She had no clue the grey hair would make me shout and cuss and later completely make up a story to her sister about how she doesn’t think her sis is pretty enough to be on okcupid. She couldn’t understand why I huffed off - or the cryptic meaning to my parting words - “Well, just go steal my gawd damn bicycle too.”

In my home town there is a rash of locals going just plum berzerk and choking the shit out of one another.  The crime: CRIMINAL OBSTRUCTION OF BREATHING. I’m kinda intrigued by all these chokers. Its a berserker crime of passion.

My home town is the best home town.

I am from Utica. I am confident enough to admit it. I have a google alert for Utica Crime Stories. I receive about 26 alerts a day. Our local newspaper is about as intrepid as a Dodge Intrepid. Here is one of their recent articles …